Being around family teaches a lot and requires significant energy. As we grow older, we recognize that each opportunity to be together is always of importance...every time. We no longer take for granted that there will be a next time.

So much of the challenge is about choosing which conversations to engage in and which to let pass by. Just returning from my family reunion of brothers and sisters, some nephews and nieces and their children, I marvel at the extension of family through the generations. Stories about past remembrances, catching up on the latest current life details, and the dynamics in the dance of family communication with defined roles and activities of each person is a revealing tapestry that takes me back to the days when I was a child sitting in the midst of my aunts and uncles and grandparents.

There were games and repetitive patterns of activity and roles that guided everyone through the family gathering event. As I observed through the child's eyes, it seemed as though the dance was seamless, without any conflict or hitch. The rule was clear: a child was to be seen, not heard around the grownup activities. We children could go off and create our own games and explorations within the boundaries of which we were well familiar.

At my current family reunion, children are the focus of activities and attention of the grownups. Significant attention is given to the family and neighbor dogs. (Animals were not even allowed in the house or near social activities when I was a child.) Games that included children and grownups were available. And the grownup bothers and sisters and their spouses and partners moved among the many activities without any expectation of significance or depth. Chatting and "messing with" each other as we sat on the lawn chairs in the shade of the tree overlooking the acre or more lawn was simply relaxing and unchallenging. More intimate conversations occurred away from the group conversations.

We might have noticed the changes in each other, the gain or loss of hair or weight, the limited or easy flexibility of bodies, and the food and fluid intake throughout the 4 days, but none of that was mentioned publicly. I watched with interest at my reactions to the patterns that were once familiar and well ingrained. Some were still strikingly familiar and seemed to reveal themselves in a close-up mirror reflecting my own thinking and behaviors, many that I had thought were uniquely mine. Now I could see the biogenetic and experiential triggers and patterns that preceded me.

One of the greatest opportunities with family is to create the space for healing and relationship-mending. Spending time with my family members who are divorced and just beginning to bridge the pain and loss of communication was a blessing. Seeing my brother who had been estranged from the family for many years, now engaged in the playful chatter with his brothers and sisters was a moving sight. Watching him comfort his teething grandson and noting the loving relationship he had with his daughter and grandchildren gave me reason for having held the hope for reconciliation during those many years of distant separation.

Family reunions give us a chance to review our lives and the mattering of our heritage and life designs. Being with family reveals the sameness and the differences in each of us; some alterations made by necessity, some by conscious choice, some by new life experiences that alter perspective and understanding forever.

Now it is my turn to be the elder. What legacy do I choose to leave to the family? What alterations have I chosen that I want to leave behind? What contributions to others thinking do I have to make -- even if family members never really know that I have made them? Am I willing to make a difference without acknowledgment and visibility? Do I notice the impact of my voice, my behavior on the family story and its meaning?

After all these years of living our own lives, why do we still yearn to be connected to family? Why do we still seek family approval? What is it that allows family to trigger our reactions and defenses more than that of a stranger? What is it about being related that provides such valuable lessons about who we are and who we push ourselves to be?

Family is the greatest teacher of all. Reunions reveal our mirrors and challenges in a very real and confronting way. Being engaged in a family reunion takes a lot of energy. I find myself exhausted and exhilarated at the same time. Staying free of the pitfalls, disengaging myself from the attachments and judgments, and consciously participating while being fully present to my freedom to choose required a discipline that seldom challenges me so directly. The workout was great training. The gift of compassion and forgiveness for my reactivity and that of others was a necessity .

Knowing that I chose this family for my foundation and training for life is awesome to imagine. What a powerful gift we are for each other! We all turned out even though we went our separate ways and still we come together to honor our roots. Thank you to the elders that preceded us. You did a great job of laying a foundation for our many journeys.